1. Situations Where We Might Speak to Vanillas

    

   1. Political: this can have many purposes.

      1. Challenge negative stereotypes and promote a more positive image of BDSM in the media.

      2. Gain support for laws; to support freedom of sexual expression.

      3. Build relationships between SM activists and feminists/GLBT activists.

   2. Educational/Academic: educate college students and/or the general public about the psychological, sociological, historical aspects of BDSM.

   3. Professional: working with a vanilla lawyer or judge, or a medical professional

   4. Community: vanilla Gays, Lesbians and other "sexual minorities" are often curious about SM; it may be up to you to help build bridges between these communities.

   5. Personal

      1. As a community leader or activist you may have to "come out".

      2. You may not want to lead a double life.

      3. You may want to be open with family members/friends/co-workers.

    

2. Know Your Audience, Your Role and Your Mission

    

   1. Roles include expert, activist or practitioner

      1. Expert - maintain professional distance from the subject

      2. Activist - stick to the subject of activism (not why SM is great, but that SM folks experience discrimination. It may help to maintain distance from the subject)

      3. Practitioner - get personal. You have a heart-warming story, tell it

      4. Roles can overlap

         1. As an activist, you might want to slip into the practitioner role and tell a personal story (otherwise talk about your "friend" who practices SM)

         2. As a SM expert, you might want to address activism

   2. Why is your audience there? Address your audience’s interest in BDSM, not just what you think they should know.

      1. Example: A sociology class has a different need than a law enforcement community awareness meeting or a nursing class.

      2. Be respectful and responsive to the needs of your audience. Do not promote your personal agenda ahead of their needs.

      3. Practice empathy - try to see their view.

   3. Why are you there? Stick to your mission.

      1. Identify your mission: to promote understanding or accomplish a specific goal.

      2. In most cases, you are not there to seek approval for SM.

      3. If you are trying to make others feel comfortable about SM, then it is not a good time to brag about edge play.

      4. Remember to deliver the most important message: you are there to communicate (patiently and with good humor).

    

3. Tips for Success

    

   1. Be prepared to answer questions and objections.

      1. Use handouts.

      2. Have a briefing book prepared for your own use, with citations of authorities clearly marked for easy reference.

   2. Stick to the facts. If a legal incident has occurred, (arrest, zoning violation, etc.), prepare briefing book that objectively states the facts.

   3. Avoid rumors; clearly separate opinion from fact.

   4. Look people in the eye, speak clearly and with pride. Do not appear ashamed.

   5. Begin with something personal not related to BDSM.

      1. This helps them see a person instead of a stereotype.

      2. Lead into the BDSM as a natural topic.

   6. Use analogies to discuss BDSM or relate it to vanilla sex.

      1. They often know nothing about us, and do not have a frame of reference.

      2. Analogies

         1. Sexual Exploration, Role Play, Costumes, Ren Faire

         2. Extreme Sports (here the concept of "informed consent" is important)

      3. Be respectful of the audiences’ point of view, even if they are hostile.

         1. We are not trying to make them become us or even like us, just accept us.

         2. Try to anticipate hostile attitudes and address the underlying causes of hostility.

         3. Even if they are hostile, you are still accomplishing something.

      4. When speaking on a personal level, focus on comfort, openness and encouraging questions.

    

4. Use Terminology Sparingly

    

   1. Be careful about the choice of language

      1. Sadomasochism, torture, slave, etc. can be emotionally charged or polarizing.

      2. Define all SM-specific terms that you decide to use.

   2. Use known terms

      1. Start with "consenting adults"; define "safe, sane, consensual" later.

      2. "Informed consent" is a established concept when applied to sports; it can be used to describe SM.

      3. Many people think they know about "SM" and "whips and chains" mean; it is up to you to reeducate them.

   3. Pick and choose your terms

      1. You may have an easier time if you chose to define "erotic roleplay" instead of "master slave relationship".

      2. Many opinions exist on the subject of reclaiming terms and on the avoidance of terms with negative connotations.

      3. "Owning" the terminology can be an asset (radical activism).

      4. It may help to use the specific terminology of your audience (queer can be used as a very inclusive term).

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