Safe, sane, and consensual s/m is not about getting hurt or hurting anyone else. It can involve intense experiences and sensations, but unless both partners feel good about themselves and each other when a scene is over, something went wrong. Minimizing the risk of damage does not mean eliminating excitement; a bottom's sense that he is in safe hands can enable him to handle more intense experiences than if he were afraid of being injured.

The following safety notes are not and cannot be exhaustive. Much more could be said under each heading, and the more advanced s/m scenes (such as electricity or piercing) are not covered at all. Becoming an experienced, responsible player in s/m is a never-ending learning process. But this distillation from the experiences of hundreds of men over the years can give you a solid start.

Courtship Rituals

• Before approaching someone in a bar, see who else he talks with or seems to know. A "loner" who has no roots in the community could be trouble.
• Keep your own head clear and avoid anyone who seems drunk or stoned. Alcohol and drugs will impair your judgment and prevent the concentration you need to carry through and enjoy an s/m scene.
• Discuss what you want to do in advance, and listen to what the other man says he wants. There's no need to be "clinical" about this - telling each other what you want can be a very erotic prelude to a scene.
• Be particularly clear about the degree and kind of role-playing you want or are comfortable with. Are you submissive or just masochistic? Are you looking for a bottom you can work on or a slave to serve you?
• Always be honest about your level of experience, and don't pretend to know more than you do.
• Practice techniques on yourself, on inanimate objects, or with an experienced buddy before you use them in an actual scene.
• Be up front about any medical or physical problems you have that can affect a scene (for instance, contact lenses, allergies or sinus problems, poor circulation, bad back), and get the same information from a prospective partner.
• Make clear what your time constraints are (if you have to go to work in the morning, say so).
• Insist on safe sex or no sex, with no exchange of cum, blood, piss, or shit. You should act as if everyone is HIV+.
• On first dates, tops generally perform better in their own space, and bottoms are safer going to the top's place. If you do bring home a top you don't know well, don't let him tie you up or otherwise make you helpless. If you don't have a place to bring a bottom, go to one of the s/m clubs for your scene, or arrange to use a friend's place.

Preparing for a Scene

• Never use s/m to work out feelings of anger or depression. Wait until you're in a better mood, and don't play with someone else who's angry or depressed.
• Make sure you both understand what the limits of the scene are and that you have a way to tell each other when you've had enough (for instance, a "safe word" or the use of your partner's given name instead of his role name).
• Don't eat a large meal just before a scene (it can decrease alertness and make you dizzy or sick during vigorous action).
• An enema is not necessarily a good preparation for ass play - it can make the rectum more susceptible to abrasion and infection. Brushing or flossing you teeth just before a scene can make your mouth more susceptible to infection by abrading the gums.

Bondage Basics

• Rope ties should be loose enough so you can stick a finger under the loops. If his hands or feet become white, cold, or numb, loosen or remove the ropes.
• Handcuffs should slide easily on the wrists, and leg irons should be looser than handcuffs because ankles are less flexible than wrists. Both handcuffs and leg irons should always be double-locked to prevent their tightening in use.
• Always tell a top if he's tied you too tightly or painfully - in most cases, bondage itself is not supposed to be painful.
• Be careful with any restraint around the neck. Don't pull on a collar from the rear - you could damage his (or your own) throat or Adam's apple.
• A gagged bottom must be monitored continuously for breathing problems - he could die in just 4 minutes if he stops breathing.
• Anyone who's tied tightly should be checked frequently (every 15 minutes or so) for developing circulation problems, muscle strains and cramps, or panic.
• Tight bonds on the cock and balls should be removed before ejaculation.
• Keep a pair of blunt-tipped safety scissors handy to cut ropes or other bonds in an emergency.
• Always have an extra set of keys for any padlocks or steel restraints you use.
• Use a "panic snap" (which can be released easily despite any weight hanging from it) for any kind of suspension, even when you're just fastening the bottom's hands above his head.

Flogging

• Concentrate on fleshy, well-padded areas (buttocks, thighs). The upper back, chest, and belly can be safe targets if the bottom is well muscled; otherwise there's a good chance of damage to nerves or internal organs. Flogging the legs or arms is not recommended - nerves and blood vessels are too close to the surface. Always avoid blows to the kidney area (on the back just above the waist) and the face.
• The shorter the whip, the easier it is to control - long whips are for experts.
• The tip of the whip (the part that's moving fastest) should hit where you're aiming. Don't let a whip "wrap" around the body.
• Cuts should be cleaned with antiseptic (hydrogen peroxide, Betadine, or Hibiclens). The whip end should be cleaned with alcohol or a bleach solution (9:1 water to bleach). If it's leather, put the whip aside to air dry for a day before reuse, and oil it periodically for reconditioning. If a whip has drawn blood, never use it on someone else in the same scene.

Ass Play

• Don't put anything breakable up anyone's ass, and avoid rigid (nonbendable) toys that are longer than, say, 8 inches (some bottoms can take much more than this safely, but many can't).
• Use latex condoms, disposable latex gloves, and water-based lubricants only.
• Lubricant should be in a pump-type dispenser, not an open jar or tub.
• Ass toys should not be shared. For extra safety, cover them with condoms before insertion, and always clean them in a dishwasher or with antiseptic (hydrogen peroxide, Betadine, or Hibiclens) after each use.

Hot Wax

• Use cheap candles - they don't contain beeswax (which burns at too high a temperature for use on people).
• Remove any metal tabs from the bottom of votive candles before sticking them on someone's body.

Head Trips

• Temporary humiliation can be therapeutic, but really undercutting someone's self-esteem is dangerous.
• Be careful with "dirty talk." Avoid derogatory terms that might hit too close to home.
• "Pushy bottoms" who goad tops into abusing them are playing with fire - he might do something that both of you will regret

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