1. Het vanilla community

1. Every 15 seconds a woman is battered by a husband, boyfriend or live in partner; more than 6 million women are battered yearly.

2. Gay/lesbian/transgender vanilla community
1. Very little information, but estimated to be about the same as in the heterosexual community.

3. SM community
1. Apparently unknown.

1. There is a concern that in an attempt to define SM v. abuse, some D/s relationships may be labeled as abusive when they are not.
2. As community leaders, you are the ones who will be drafting the definitions of SM v. abuse and likely will be the ones approached when a member of the community suspects abuse.
3. No definitive answers - but we hope to raise your awareness of the issue.

1. D/s relationships involve people - thus, by definition, abuse is not only possible, but certain to occur.
2. The explosion of the community.

1. With more people comes an increased likelihood that each of us will eventually know someone we think is in an abusive D/s relationship.

3. The rise of the Internet has led to people entering into extreme D/s relationships based on very little knowledge about the other person.
4. Any time one party willingly gives up control to another, that power can be abused.
5. As the community works for greater social acceptance, we need to be able to explain to society at large that what we do is not abuse and why.
6. The particular dynamics of D/s relationships make it even more difficult than usual to determine if a relationship is abusive.

1. Problems with the traditional tests:

1. Generally, abuse has been discussed and defined in terms of het relationships in which the man abuses the woman. The traditional tests for abuse may not adequately address the diversity of kinds of relationships we have in our community.
2. D/s relationships are based on entirely different power dynamics than what is commonly understood or recognized by the larger vanilla community (whether het, gay or lesbian) as being healthy:

1. Traditional tests assume that "control" is bad, "independence" is good - but in a D/s relationship, control is the whole point
2. Traditional tests identify certain physical activity (striking, slapping, even punching) as inherently abusive - this kind of activity is commonly a part of a D/s relationship

2. Tests Promulgated by SM Groups

1. To date, the tests and definitions developed even by BDSM groups rely heavily on the "traditional tests" which often are unsuitable for addressing whether or not there is abuse in a D/s relationship.

1. To maintain and encourage diversity in your groups.
2. To educate those entering into or participating D/s relationships, rather than alienating them.
3. To avoid endangering members of the community who are in D/s relationship by using unclear or inaccurate definitions of SM v. abuse.
4. The tests developed by the BDSM community and some concerns with them:

1. Economic independence

"Can you exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?"

"Economic abuse is ... making her ask for money or giving her an allowance. Taking her money."

1. This is a very common test used in the vanilla community to help pinpoint abuse. However, these are often areas in which the Dominant in a D/s relationship assumes control. The fact that a submissive or slave cannot exercise self-determination in these areas does not make the relationship abusive by definition.

2. The role of negotiation:

"In SM, negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. In abuse, one person determines what will happen."

1. In D/s relationships, it is not at all unusual for there to be no "negotiation" before a scene.

3. Use and/or availability of safewords

1. "In SM, the bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time. In abuse, the person being abused cannot stop what is happening."
2. "Does your partner ever ignore your safewords or pressure you not to use them?"

1. Certainly in Master/slave relationships, and some other D/s relationships, it is not uncommon for the submissive/slave to have given up his/her safeword.

3. Control over life decisions

• Abuse is defined as "using male privilege ... treating her like a servant. Making all the 'big' decisions. Acting like the 'master of the castle.'"
• "Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?"

1. In a D/s relationship, the Dominant may very well make all of the "major" life decisions, and may exercise his/her control by deciding with whom the submissive/slave may spend time.

4. An Alternative Paradigm

1. Initial thoughts
2. It is critical to recognize that many D/s relationships (particularly Master/slave relationships) are structured in radical opposition to our socially accepted notions of the value of control.
3. Those participating in D/s relationships have decided that contrary to what our society teaches, power and control -- and equality of power in a relationship -- are not necessarily the ultimate sources of happiness.
4. Including the following types of questions in any definition of SM v. abuse that you develop may assist in helping people discern abuse, while not defining D/s relationships in your community as abusive when they are not:

• More often than not, do you believe that the relationship is a cause of happiness and fulfillment in your life?
• Do you trust your partner with the important matters in your life?
• Do you believe your relationship is overall helping to grow and develop qualities and characteristics you would like to see more of in your personality and in your life?
• Can you function in everyday life?
• Is your relationship built on honesty and respect?
• Do you feel your partner values you and is concerned for your physical, mental and emotional well-being?

5. What Should We As A Community Do About Abuse in D/s Relationships?

1. This is truly the most difficult question.
2. Suggestions:

1. Find those who are in successful D/s relationships and talk with them. Learn what healthy D/s relationships "look" like.
2. Talk in your groups about D/s relationships and abuse.
3. Avoid driving people "underground."
4. Let those in your community know abuse will not be tolerated and that we as a community stand ready to assist anyone who leaves an abusive relationship.

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